i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
we're so committed to being not committed
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
