Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
