Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
too bad you live with your parents still
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
People with herpes should wear stickers.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
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