"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
