Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
