well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
