Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Houston, we have a blender
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
