JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
