I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
