Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
