You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
