Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
