Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
