apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
