You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
the liver wants what the liver wants
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
