after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
