Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Everyone says I win the strip club
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
