I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
