I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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