You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
