How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
