I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Found the puke drawer
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
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