I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
