I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
