I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
