also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
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