I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
