when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
