I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
