There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
