Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
