did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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