Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
