I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Randomize
