I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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