I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Ladies don't puke and tell
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
