Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
