I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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