my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Dear god my vagina.
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