i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
