drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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