Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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