woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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