If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
