cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
