Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
