the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
