If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
