he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
