so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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