I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
