You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
