Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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